We all know safe sex is the best kind of sex, right? Yes, but it feels so much better without a condom. Yes, but we couldn't find a condom. Yes, but we've been together forever now so it's okay. Yes, but condoms taste gross. Yes, but I was drunk. Yes, but we're both virgins. Yes, but she's on the pill. Yes, but don't you love the sweet, titillating feeling...
Let me tell you two stories. One starts at a nightclub: picture lights, young people grinding on the dance floor, the latest tacky pop hit turned sweet by the filter of alcohol. Picture laughing with your friends. Then you see a guy - or a girl - leaning against the bar and your smile is wiped off. They're stunning, literally. You down your drink, take a deep breath. Glance over again; they look back. You can do this. Hey, I don't normally do this, but I couldn't resist coming over.
The other story starts before it starts. It begins with you going to class, talking with the person sitting next to you and rewinds to you being in love. Skip over dates - maybe even with roses! - goofy smiles, movie nights cuddling, a fight and making up, learning the other inside out - I once slept with a hooker, but we used protection, I'm not an idiot - the sweet ease of having liberty to touch them anywhere because maybe a tiny bit of them are yours, just like a tiny part of you is theirs. Skip over all this and fall into bed for the thousandth time, reaching for the box of condoms but do we really need these anymore?
These stories have something in common. I'd love to tell you they both end happily, and in most ways, they do. But they both have an unfortunate interlude like any good thriller should. This interlude includes sitting in the waiting room for a doctor, blood drawn, suspense and in one case an extrauterine pregnancy which might cause infertility later on. They have one more thing in common: they're true stories that happened to my friend and I.
After my own wait for blood test results, I concluded that not using a condom is totally okay. Provided:
- everyone involved has been tested for STDs at least three months after their previous partner and has evidence of an all-negative
- everyone involved is monogamous or polygamous in a way that complies with the above point
- everyone with a uterus is on the pill or willing to get pregnant
Lecturing is boring and condescending, I know. I can join the chorus of after-school specials and nurses and parents preaching about using a condom. I can tell you sex is awful and will give you diseases and get you pregnant, both at once and every time. What I want to tell you instead, and the reason I wrote this, is that sex can be awesome. It can be awesome with strangers, it can be awesome with your long-time partner, it can be awesome with girls and guys. I have had awesome sex myself, and I've heard stories of friends having awesome sex. I have also been stupid, and I've heard stories of my friends being stupid. I've spent three months crying myself to sleep for a very valid STD scare, I've observed a month-long miscarriage a friend had after a morning-after pill gone wrong, I've had a friend contract an STD from oral sex. I have friends who continue to have unprotected sex despite the above experiences.
Horror stories are boring, but the thing that fills me with despair is that these things happen. And yet, a lot of us care too little for ourselves and our partners to stay safe. This isn't about trust, about love, or about monogamy; being monogamous now doesn't eliminate the risk of an STD contracted from a previous partner.
To me, using a condom shows respect for yourself and your partner. To me, that is a much better feeling than the sweet, titillating feeling of waiting for those blood test results.
And while you're having safe sex, here's a song to get you going:
